


Do you have a moment?

by Morathi_Cain



Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [19]
Category: My Engineer (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Anger, Bohn needs a hug, Duen is pissed bc of the breakup, Fear, Hurt/Comfort, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Nervousness, Talking, Tumblr-prompt, a lot of emotions, and Bohn tries to talk about their problems, and blankets, anti-Duen, kinda cathartic, poor Bohn is on a rollercoaster, several - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25188427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morathi_Cain/pseuds/Morathi_Cain
Summary: Tumblr-prompt: "You broke my heart" for Bohn/Duen.This is also a sequel to "Another flowerboy" and I recommend you read that one first! I put this ghostship into the world and I will love them for a long time <3Bohn was quite happy with First, even though he was still working through a lot of issues. He would have been happy never to talk to Duen again, but of course, fate had its own ideas about that.
Relationships: Bohn/First, First/Bohn, post Bohn/Duen
Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708738
Comments: 15
Kudos: 101
Collections: FirstBohn - when a ghostship takes your soul





	Do you have a moment?

**Author's Note:**

> Another First/Bohn and finally a talk between Bohn and Duen. At least they try ...
> 
> Have fun ^^

Do you have a moment?

Bohn had never expected to talk to Duen again.

He’d never wanted to, to be honest. In retrospect, they hadn’t had an honest and serious and healthy conversation in their whole relationship and they’d been together for a whole year.

For a while after the break-up, Bohn had tried finding good moments in their relationship so he wouldn’t feel like a complete loser and idiot. Who knew he’d overlooked so many red flags in their time together? A relationship which consisted purely out of red flags, as it seemed by now.

Whenever he’d tried telling First about something not as bad as the rest, he had ended up frustrated and embarrassed and sometimes even crying. At times even First’s shock had been enough to make him stop at the beginning, but in the end he’d always spilled the whole, realising how fucked it must have all seemed for someone else. Someone not as desperately in love as Bohn had been back then.

~~~

“You thought he’d raped you?!”

Bohn stopped talking, too flabbergasted by First’s shocked response. No, he hadn’t thought that he had thought … Fuck.

It was as if his whole head got lighter and he was sure he’d lost any colour because First changed from shock to worry in seconds.

“Hey”, hands cupping his face pulled him back and his vision got a bit clearer again, “It’s okay, I’m here.”

Taking a deep breath the way they had learned together, Bohn tried to calm himself down.

“Sorry for interrupting you like that”, First apologised, “I didn’t want to give you a panic attack.”

Bohn sighed, leaning into his boyfriend a bit and enjoying the soft strokes through his hair.

“It’s okay. I should have known it wouldn’t be a good story. I just didn’t expect it to go so dark so soon.”

“Please tell me again. I won’t interrupt you this time, I promise.”

Bohn felt how the corner of his mouth turned upside just a little bit. Give it to First to make him a comfortable and happy while talking about his disastrous relationship with Duen.

“As I said, my whole body was hurting and since we’d been fighting over who’s the wife and who’s the husband, I drew a perfectly shitty connection. I mean, I didn’t know how exactly it would hurt, but I was sure it would. Somehow. Especially with us both being virgins.”

First didn’t even need to say anything, Bohn was embarrassed by all of it perfectly by himself. Their stupid fight over top and bottom seemed even more stupid when he thought how much he enjoyed feeling First inside of him now and how fluently they had learned to switch and how none of them had to take on any roles for that. But back then had been a different time and neither Duen nor Bohn had had any experience. With sex or serious relationships. Especially with other men.

Even though Bohn had taken a small break, First didn’t say anything, keeping his promise. Only his fingers were continuing to calm Bohn down by drawing circles on the back of his hand. A constant reminder that he was safe.

“I was freaking out, but I didn’t dare to tell anyone about it. Even though Mek had reminded me that stereotypes aren’t real and that I should simply talk with Duen, I feared they might laugh at me. Stupid, I know, but that’s how I was back then. I mean, I took Mek’s word about consent and communication and thought it meant I was supposed to love Duen whether he’d fucked me that night or not.”

The pressure on his hand got stronger and he knew First wanted to say something, wanted to comfort him, but he still kept quiet, waiting for Bohn to continue.

“At least I decided to ask Duen because I didn’t want to continue guessing.”

Realising the next part was almost as embarrassing, Bohn pulled First in for a moment, burying his face in his boyfriend’s neck before continuing.

“Well, I asked him what had happened and no, he didn’t rape me. I fell on my ass and he ripped off some hair on my leg. Because he envied me? I kind of stopped listening, to be honest. Instead, I told him what I’d thought and he asked what I would have said if he’d done it.”

That part was painful now. Back then he’d thought it had been perfect. Him telling his boyfriend it didn’t matter who was top and who was bottom. Him confessing his love for Duen and Duen being happy about his answer. Yes, he’d been happy, but he hadn’t said anything back. Bohn had truly been desperate, hadn’t he?

“I told him it would have been fine. He was my boyfriend and I loved him and he could do that to me.”

First was radiating pain, or maybe mirroring Bohn’s pain, like crazy. And anger. Oh, so much anger. Bohn loved him for it since he gave him the possibility of an outlet. Of giving way to feelings he hadn’t allowed himself to have for months.

Leaning his forehead against First’s shoulder, silent tears running down his cheeks, he signalled his boyfriend the end of the story. Although it would probably be long until it was actually the end since the effect was still living on inside of him.

Shaking fingers stroked the nape of his neck.

“No one will ever be allowed to rape you. No love, no matter how big, will ever be enough of an excuse for abuse. Doesn’t matter who it is, no one is allowed to do it.”

There was no question in First’s words, only a threat.

‘If anyone dares to lay hands on you again, they won’t get away.’

Bohn hadn’t been raped. He’d fallen down and gotten some hair ripped off, but the thoughts he’d had, the desperation of wanting to be loved, no matter what, had left deep wounds in his heart.

This way another memory of his revealed its ugly truth in the light of reality. At least now he had First’s love to deal with it.

~~~

Bohn had been sure he wouldn’t meet Duen again, but fate had a different plan for him, as it seemed.

“Bohn!”

There was no sweetness in those words, which made Bohn instantly cower as if he seemed smaller, all would be better.

Duen walked straight towards him and there wasn’t any doubt what his intention was. Bohn was sure of it. As sure as those twenty people around him, all standing in line in front of the restaurant. He was, after all, supposed to get dinner for First and himself.

First.

The thought of his boyfriend calmed Bohn down instantly. At least a little bit. But it was enough to straighten his back again and to take a deep breath.

He didn’t owe Duen anything. No senseless apology, no fear and not one second of control. It was difficult, but he needed to remember it.

Especially because his brain tried to tell him to feel guilty, to apologise, to submit to Duen’s anger and try to soothe him as soon as possible.

No. He didn’t owe it to Duen.

And so he waited to Duen to arrive with such a furious expression, it was stunning. It was also blaming Bohn, people around them now staring openly. Of course, they were sure Bohn was the bad one. Why would such a cute guy like Duen blame him otherwise? He would never have a chance, would he?

Bohn was nervous as hell, his heartbeat off the track and his hands sweaty, curled into tight fists. He wished he could simply run off, leave the line and Duen standing there, instead of meeting the man. He wished ... but he didn’t. If he did, he would never forgive himself.

Yes, he was afraid, but he didn’t want to give Duen any control over him. Not anymore.

“Hello, Duen.”

Relieved his voice didn’t sound as horrible as he’d feared, Bohn straightened his back a bit more.

Duen stopped right in front of him, his mouth a grim line instead of the usual smile.

“You!”

Bohn stepped out of the line.

“Let’s talk somewhere else.”

Those words stunned Duen. They also stunned Bohn himself, as he walked away, not even turning if Duen was following him or not. If he didn’t it was his own problem.

But soon enough he heard steps, catching up with him.

“Are you planning on murdering me?”

It hurt, knowing Duen didn’t even trust him enough to know this would never be a possibility. To know Bohn didn’t want to hurt him.  
It hurt even more because it was another blame, Duen put onto Bohn, for all the world to hear.

“Do you think you deserve it?”

At least some part of his brain wasn’t cowering in fear and Bohn was glad about it.

~~~

Bohn didn’t know where he wanted to go to, but when he arrived at a small and rather empty park with a playground, he knew this would be the right place. As far as “the right place” was even possible.

Without even looking at Duen, he pulled out his phone and unlocked it. He didn’t mind if he saw the picture of him and First, happily sharing some ice cream.

“Didn’t you want to talk?”

The spite was almost tangible, but Bohn didn’t look up.

“I have to tell First why I’ll be late.”

Duen scoffed and Bohn finally put the phone away, looking at Duen as guarded as possible.

“You tell him the truth? Won’t he be worried you’re going to cheat on him?”

More blame was coming his way and Bohn couldn’t dodge it. He couldn’t avoid it but at least it didn’t hurt as much as it had, in the past.

“I can always tell him, because he won’t make a scene”, watching Duen frown more heavily as he processed those words helped a tiny bit, “And he knows for sure I will never cheat on him. Especially not with you.”

Speaking those words, he felt the knot inside his chest loosen up a bit. He was no prisoner of Duen any longer. He didn’t have to beg for this man’s love anymore.

“I wouldn’t want to, anyway!”, Duen spat, his anger once again obvious. More obvious than he’d ever allowed to show on the outside.

“Glad we’re on the same page then”, Bohn bit back, already exhausted by this, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?”

“I ... what?”

“You walked towards me and were ready to throw insults at my head”, Bohn explained, his heartbeat getting steadier by the second. Still too fast, but at least steadier, “So I guess you wanted to talk?”

Duen took a deep breath: “How dare you sent my friends against me?!”

Oh, so that was what it was about. King had told him something vague about Ram accepting his version of what had happened and was now about to talk to Duen.

“I didn’t send anyone against you.”

Duen huffed: “Really? Then why are they all accusing me of lying?”

All?

Bohn didn’t believe Ram had told the others about it. Except Duen had reacted so badly, it had made them wonder what had happened between those two.

“I only told them the truth, nothing more. Since you told them your truth, I’m pretty sure I am allowed to do the same.”

Frustration and anger were slowly getting the upper hand.

“What truth?”, Duen spit, his whole face contorted by anger, “You broke my heart and cheated on me!”

And there it was, the root of so many of their problems. Of course, it was his fault alone. But yes, he had broken up with Duen.

“And you broke mine.”

It came out cooler than he’d intended. Definitely cooler than he was feeling right now. His mind was pure chaos. A mixture of pain and anger and fear. Because he had been in love with First before he’d broken up with Duen, hadn’t he? So did it count as cheating?

He remembered his numerous talks with First and King. About him not intentionally falling for someone else. How he’d tried to keep this relationship for so long and with such effort. And how he’d broken up with Duen as soon as he’d realised what was going on. That wasn’t cheating. It was what he was supposed to do.

Duen’s shock was clearly visible. Apparently he’d never expected Bohn to blame him as well?

Bohn let out a shaky sigh, trying to collect his wits.

“Do you actually miss me?”

“What?”

“Do you miss me? Our relationship? The time we spent together? Or didn’t spend together?”

His words clearly had an effect on Duen, because for a moment he didn’t say anything at all.

Bohn wanted to keep his mouth shut, to wait and see what Duen would respond to that. He really wanted to and the next words weren’t planned at all.

“Or do you miss controlling me and my emotions?”

This effect was instant. Duen lost all colour in his face for a second before he blushed furiously, his brows drawn together in fury.

Unconsciously, Bohn stepped backwards. As if he feared the wrath which was about to come over him now.

“You!”

Another step backwards. Bohn regretted his comment so much.

“Why did you do that to me?”

Suddenly all the fury was gone and what was left were tears and sorrow and … almost automatically, Bohn went forward again, his guilt skyrocketing. He didn’t want to make Duen cry. He had never wanted to make him cry.

“Sorry”, he said because he couldn’t keep it in anymore, “I never wanted to make you cry. I only wanted to make you happy.”

Duen stared at him through tears: “Why did you break up then?”

Despite all abuse, it was the truth: “Because we can’t make each other happy.”

It still seemed as if there was more confusion than understanding.

“I meant what I said. You broke my heart. I’ve tried so hard to make this work, but I always felt as if I was running against a wall, not able to reach you in any way. And when I started to spend time with First, I realised it was all better when we didn’t meet as often.”

The anger was back in seconds: “So you did cheat!”

“I didn’t!”, Duen looked startled at the outburst, “I met him to get you flowers and learn to cook for you. I did it all for you, but it didn’t help. Do you know how much I cried during the time we were a couple? How much I wished for a little sign of affection from you? Just a tiny bit? But you got angry when I wanted to hold hands or be with you and I didn’t even dare to ask for that at some point, because you would mock me or pull away!”

“We held hands!”

“What? Once a month? Once a year? Back at the camp? I need more and I tried to survive with less, but I couldn’t. I was afraid you’d make fun of me and get angry and leave me and that’s why I didn’t say anything. You’ve shown clearly how little you wanted to be close to me, how much more fun you had, talking to other people. I tried to bear it, I really did.”

“And you promised me!”

“I never promised to stay with you whether you loved me or not. I never promised to stay with you no matter how often you pushed me away. I promised to stay with you under the assumption that you loved me as well. Under the assumption that we would be good for each other. But not like this. Not with me hurting and hating myself.”

By now Bohn was breathing hard, his whole body trembling.

“Except for this one moment at the camp, I never had the feeling as if you truly liked me. As if you wanted to stay with me, but somehow you still did. That’s why I thought I had to woo you more, be even more considerate and careful. I thought I had to be worthy and fight for you to show me some affection. Hell, Duen, you even laughed when I broke up with you!”

“Would it have helped if I’d cried?”

For a second, Bohn thought about it. A second was all he needed.

“No. By then I had fallen out of love with you, too bruised and exhausted to continue. And I had fallen for First already. Before you ask, no, I wasn’t with him before I broke up with you. I didn’t even know if he’d have me when I ended our relationship. He wasn’t the only reason though. And crying wouldn’t have worked. It would have only made me feel guilty.”

“And?”

Bohn blinked several times in a row, having problems catching up.

“And? You want me to feel guilty?”

From what he could see, Duen wasn’t sure why it was a bad thing. Good lord …

“I don’t want to feel guilty, Duen. It happened so often, I started to hate myself! If you ever have another relationship, please don’t do it to them. Don’t blame them all the time.”

“You hurt me. Of course, I want you to feel guilty.”

Some sort of exhaustion washed over Bohn. Duen wouldn’t understand, would he? Or didn’t he want to understand?

“You hurt me too, Duen. You hurt me so much, I couldn’t be with you for another day, no matter how much I had fancied myself in love with you.”

“But you ...”

“I broke my promise, yes. I am sorry it didn’t work out the way we wanted to. Sorry for pulling you into this mess. What I’m not sorry for, is breaking up. It was the best decision I could have made and if you still think you want to be back with me, I have no idea what else to tell you.”

Duen obviously didn’t like what he’d said.

“Oh no, wait, I have one thing left to say. You can hate me and you can cry if you’re actually heartbroken, but don’t blame me alone for something that has gone wrong long ago. Don’t tell lies about me as well and don’t make people come and harass me and my boyfriend. And maybe think about why you were happy spending no time with me before the break-up but behaved as if I was your one true love who betrayed you, afterwards.”

“You’re an asshole!”

The spite was still in those words, but they didn’t hit as hard as they had before. Maybe because Bohn had said what he’d wanted to say. Maybe because he was exhausted or maybe because there was nothing, Duen could say, which he hadn’t said to himself already.

“Probably”, he shrugged, “But so are you. Take care, Duen.”

And just like this, he left. He turned and walked away, not once turning to look back at Duen. For once, he was in control. For once, he decided how the conversation ended. For once he wasn’t overcome by guilt and self-hatred.

All he wanted, was to get back to First.

~~~

Only when he arrived, did he realise, he’d completely forgotten the food. But before he could turn around, the door was opened and First stood in front of him, worry clearly visible in his face.

He wasn’t worried about Bohn cheating on him.  
He wasn’t worried about Bohn breaking up because of Duen.

First was only worried for Bohn, not himself. The knowledge was like a hit in the stomach, making Bohn suddenly wish he could cry. Right here and now. Just let it all out.

Tenderly, First took his hand and led him inside without speaking a word. They passed the kitchen, where he’d obviously been in the process of cooking. The sight of whatever he’d managed to prepare already, gave way to his first tear.

There was still this fear that First had been impatient and maybe angry with him, but it was so quiet, he almost didn’t hear it. Instead, there was this knowledge how First had known Bohn wouldn’t have the mind to get the food. How he would need something to eat because he was exhausted and tired.

Bohn knew First was cooking for him because he cared and it made his heartache in the best possible way.

“Come here”, soft words were spoken close to his ear, First standing on tiptoe by now, radiating such calmness, it made Bohn dive right into the embrace, his tears falling freely.

Later he would tell First everything he’d said. He would also tell him everything Duen had said. He would ignore his strange urge to protect Duen as a way to protect his self-esteem. He would be honest and he would.

Later ...

For now, he allowed himself to sink into a tight hug, being reassured once more. He was safe and he was loved. And he finally believed it.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Please let me know if you like it ^^
> 
> -> if you want to rant or talk, feel free, I'm "morathicain" on Tumblr as well ;)


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